Reflections on 2009

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Write about myself. I've always hated writing actually, especially about myself. Bu this year, I started blogging and so far, I've liked, and I definitely feel that its helping me learn more about myself.

2.Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for the next year?
For about a month in a half. I hit the gym everyday, had 6 glasses of water a day and got 9 hours of sleep, but then reality hit and I just had to much to do. This year, I'm really going to try and stick with it, and hopefully through this blog, readers can encourage me and keep me accountable in my goals.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people I babysit for had babies, and some are about to have babies. I'm excited. =)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I don't think so.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
I didn't go out of the state this year, its extremely dissapointing actually.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More purpose and self-discipline. and definitely more travel, more fun and hopefully some kind of romance, I mean seriously, I feel like I'm turning into a nun!

7. What was your biggest failure of the year ?
probably not sticking to my goals, like when my cousin got in engaged in December of 2008, I told myself I would get fit and look smokin for the wedding, but that didn't happen, now did it.

8. What was your biggest achievement ?
Getting published in a local newspaper. and getting accepted into college, not the one I wanted, but still.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A: nothing serious, apparently some minor depression along with a panic attack.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing really, I really like all my tv series though.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own and other people around me in general. Myself, becuase I feel as if I've ostracized myself from friends on both sides and that despite how fun they are sometimes, maybe they don't care all that much. and others, for acting like petty teenagers.

12. Where did most of your money go?
clothes, school, entertainment.

13 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
times when I was having fun with my friends instead of worrying about stuff.

14 What song will always remind you of 2009?
Lady Gaga.

15 Compared to last year, are you:

* happier or sadder ? sadder for sure.

* thinner or fatter ? ugh.

* richer or poorer ? poorer, I really haven't gotten many babysitting jobs recently.


16. What do you wish you’d done more of ?
being with friends, I feel like I went from being really social to be a complete shut in, I really hate it.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of ?
worrying, procratinating, crying, eating.

18. How did you spend Christmas ?
with family.

19. Did you fall in love in 2008?
no, but I still have had my heart broken.

20. How many one-night stands?
None.

21 What was your favourite TV programme ?
oh gosh, I really loved Glee, but I got way into Lost and 24.

22. Did you make a friend with anyone that you didn’t know this time last year?
People I've met online, and I think I'm starting to reconnect with friends from a year ago.

23. What was the best book you read?
tooooo many.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I rediscovered my love for Jacks Mannequin and Switchfoot, and Sam Cooke and motown. Plus, fun.

25. What did you want and get?
a new car!

26.What did you want and not get?
a camera, a better social life, a boyfriend.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?
maybe Nine, I really loved it.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I spent it with my good friends at the time, chinese food and chick flicks. It definitely won't be the same this year. 17!

29. What one thing would have made you year immeasurably more satisfying?
a job, a boyfriend, friends.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
jeans and tshirts.

31. What kept you sane?
losing myself in cooking and even my tv shows.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really know, I've always loved John Krasinski, although he's marrying that horrible Emily Blunt.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
healthcare, things like that.

34. Who did you miss?
having better relationships with my friends.

35.Who was the best new person you met?
bloggers, if you can call that "meeting"

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009
I promise, I'll get back to you about this one in my next blog post.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
and this one in the post after that, I promise.

see a pattern in all of these questions and my answers? I sure do and goes something like friends and romance. Man, I really can't think about anything else right now.

I'd love to see other peoples answers to these questions and memes similar to this one. So let me know in a comment some of yours answers to this one of if you plan on doing something like it on your blog.

thinking all day long

Seriously, for the last maybe, 48 hours, I've had so much stuff running back and forth through my head. Stuff about college, guys, childhood friendships, wanting a movie watching partner(boyfriend), friends, family, past friendships, my inability to let things go, wanting the perfect wardrobe and the perfect body, and the perfect voice and the tip top amount of organization that I've always wanted. Of course, all of these things are issues that I've thought about in the past and some of them are even things that I worry and think about on a daily basis. But its pretty unusual for me to have all of this stuff bouncing around inside my head all the time. Last night and tonight, as you can see, since its 2:30 in the morning, that I haven't been able to think, just because I have so many things that are bothering me. I just wish I knew how to sort them out, but instead I eat, and I watch Dark Angel and I organize my jewelry(all of these tend to help take my mind off of other things).

I guess what I'm trying to get to in this post, is that I wish I knew how to overcome these things, how to face my worries and the issues and the people who I've kind of put to the side, thinking that one day the issue will fade into the backdrop and I'll never have to think about it again, because it might have made me cry at one point, or its someone that I've cared so much for in the past that thinking about someone else caring for them makes me kind of sick. I hate that I feel this way, but its just something that comes naturally I guess and I can't seem to get over it. I mean I can still get emotional sometimes about things that might have happened in 2nd grade, like my best friend moving away. I don't know why, but it just happens. and I tend to soothe the pain with food, or tv shows because its the only thing I know how to do. I feel like I'm talking in circles here and that no matter how much I write about it or how much I think about it or for that matter, try not to think about, I just get more and more dissapointed and I draw more and more into myself, wishing that I had someone else to talk to about this, but knowing that will never be possible because I've just put up so many walls around myself and I feel like no ones cares enough about me to even attempt to try and talk through to me or come over the walls I've put around myself and my personal and emotional self.

Good Christmas

My Christmas was very good overall. Singing at church was good, and from all the compliments, we sounded good. Christmas eve was good and spent with all of my family, which was so fun because we watched my cousins wedding video with all the hillarious drama and the ridiculous heat. We took a ton of photos and I opened the family presents. So here is what I got:
family(moms side)
-pretty pair of earring
susan boyles CD( apparently my grandmother thinks I sing like her)
20 dollars
money for voice lessons
parents
-Kuerig single cup pod brewer
-garmin
-2 scarfs
-Supernatural season 3
-beautiful turquise ring(I'll post a picture)
-pair of gloves
-thermos
-slap chop
-pretty hooded sweater
-The Ugly Truth Blu-ray
family(dads side)
-40 dollar target gift card
- 100 dollars from my grandpa
-strange poncho thing from my grandpas wife
-scarf

I'm pretty happy with everything, but what I'm even happier about is the amazing deal I got today at Movie Stop! I got all of this for less than 60 dollars: s.1 Lois and Clark, s.3 of Dawson Creek, s.1-3 of The OC, s.2 of Roswell. I tend to collect DVDs, and I have a ton of shows on DVD, its what I love. I hope everyone had a great christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope everyone is enjoying their morning and are getting awesome gifts and spending time with amazing people. I've had a pretty awesome morning and gotten some good gifts that will be great for college. I'd love to hear how everyones christmas was and how they spent it. I'll definitely update later and how the events all went but for now I've got to go get ready to head up to Atlanta to spend time with my family! Merry christmas to All!

lazy all day

I've either been in yoga pants or my pajama pants all day today, and I'm loving it. I babysat this morning, which involved me changing a horrible dirty diaper with my horrible gag reflex, and building gingerbread houses. But after the kids left I changed back into my pajama pants and sat around watching some movie called Eight Days a Week. Eventually I got up and made the boys lunch and then got to cooking for christmas eve tomorrow. I'm making a strawberry mandarin orange salad with a cinammon rasberry vinagarette, mashed potatoes with a parmesean bacon crust, and chocolate chess pie. We're also having some meat, but other than that, its what we're eating. After the 2 hours it took to peel about 25 potatoes, and get them all boiled and mashed, I got to go upstairs and enjoy the movie, Heathers and now I'm watching Dark Angel, a tv series from 2000 with Jessica Alba and the hottie from NCIS.
Aren't lazy days the best though? the days when you get stuff done but still don't go anywhere or change clothes? I love that I didn't have to face anyone, and I was just able to chill out at my house and watching movies and cook. And man, do I love to cook.....sometimes. I really can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas eve. The last christmas eve where I'll be permanently living at home. Its crazy. I'm all ready for my dyfunctional family and really good food. I hope everyone else has an awesome christmas eve. And I'd love to hear about your best lazy days, and your christmas eve plans.

Quite a day

the picture, above, is some collage that facebook will do of your pictures from this year, its pretty cool.

Today,today,today, what a day. I babysat, changed a stinky diaper with limited drama, decorated gingerbread men, watched Elf, slept, shopped for gifts at Target, saw a wreck and called 911, wrapped gifts with my friends, wrecked my car on my uncles car, cryed, went to steak n shake with my friends, realized I have best friends, looked at lights, watched 500 Days of Summer with my best friends, and my mom and my brother and his best friend and now I'm sitting in my room writing and listening to the 500 days of Summer soundtrack. Sounds fun, right?

Now on to my recent award:



Here are the Rules:

Use only one word, pass along to six favorite bloggers, and tell 'em you did so.


1. Where is your cell phone? headboard

2. Your hair? gross

3. Your mother? sleeping

4. Your father? couch

5. Your favorite food? good

6. Your dream last night? wishful

7. Your favorite drink? cold

8. Your dream/goal? love

9. What room are you in? bedroom

10. Your hobby? boredom

11. Your fear? loneliness

12. Where do you want to be in six years? new york city

13. Where were you last night? asleep

14. Something that you aren't? sweet

15. Muffins? chocolate

16. Wish list item? itouch

17. Where did you grow up? south

18. Last thing you did? think

19. What are you wearing? pajamas

20. Your TV? DarkAngel

21. Your pets? many

22. Friends? confusing

23. Your life? confusing

24. Your mood? confused

25. Missing someone? 2008

26. Vehicle? scratched

27. Something you're not wearing? makeup

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? minutes

32. Your best friend?(s) tonight

33. One place that I could go over and over? NYC

34. One person who emails you regularly? teenboard

35. Favorite place to eat? southern

now to pass this on:
Lisa from A Day in the Life
Fab Brunette from Ramblings of a Fab Brunette
Christine from The Sweet Sea
Ocean Dreams
Amanda over at Teasingly Diverse

and I know it said 6, but I just couldn't think of any.

Christmas Meme

I've recently seen this on a few blogs but I firts so it on A Fab Brunettes
which I absolutely love by the way. Since christmas happens to be my favorite time of the year I wanted to share all of these awesome questions with all of ya'll.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Definitely wrapping paper. I work in a gift shop so I wrap like a pro with all the bows and curled ribbon. And recently I've seen alot of people customizing their gifts, I think I might do that this year.
2. Real tree or Artificial?
Personally, I love a real tree, and up until last year we had a real tree, but then my mom convinced herself she was allergic to the tree so we went to an artificial one. I just don't feel that it looks right, it has all these holes and doesn't smell good.

3. When do you put up the tree?
We usually put it around the second week of December but this year we put it up the Sunday after Thanksgiving because of how busy my family was going to be.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Aroud the 28th or 29th, because my mom always puts on this huge New Years Eve party.

5. Do you like eggnog?
I don't think so, I just know that like 3 years ago my grandmother made hard egg nog and me and my cousin had an egg nog drink contest, lets just say the results were not good.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Well the gift I feel like I might have been most excited about was my baby born doll.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My little brother, everything he always wants is so expensive.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
My mom, there are always thing I know she wants or needs.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, we have a huge one that goes on our mantle, and when I was little loved to play with it. We actually have like 6, but that ones just my favorite.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
mail! They really are fun to look at. Especially when they are people my age who I haven't seen in a long time.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
I don't really think I have one.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Love Actually, Elf and I'll be home for Christmas.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
I really don't have to do much, but for my mom, dad and sam, I do it like the week of christmas.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Nope.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
everything.

16. Lights on the tree?
Tons.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
definitely "Baby its cold outside"

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
I love to Travel. We usually have christmas eve and christmas morning at home and then go up to Atlanta to see my cousins that afternoon.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
I can, but I won't.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
We've had an angel for as long as I can remember.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
I get to open extended family ones of christmas eve and one from my parents but the rest are for christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
How ridiculously rude people can be.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color?
I love the traditional stuff, but I really love funky colors like purple and lime green.

24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner?
meat, salad, potatoes and yummy desserts.

25. What do you want to do for Christmas this year?
Stay at home and get lots of sleep.

26. Favorite Christmas tradition growing up?
Well since I'm still growing up, probably shoving my whole family(11 of us)into our car and going to look at ghetto christmas lights.

27. Favorite tradition now?
What I said above.

28. Favorite Christmas Memory?
I really love just staying at home sleeping, and eating and watching TV with my family, but I really love my alone time as well.

17 Days

Thats how many days I have until I have to go back to school. And I plan on cherishing every moment of this break before I go back for my last semester ever of high school. I want to have sleepovers with my friends and go to lunch with college friends, make cookies, watch movies and cook dinner for my entire family.
Now, I need to apologize for my lack of posting the last week. I was either studying, sleeping or watching Freaks and Geeks. The latter 2, more than the first. I was just in a really big funk last week after my defferal from UGA and having to hear people talk about it, but now I know I got into another good college so now I'm going to act like GCSU is where i want to go and I'm still going to reapply at UGA, in the hopes of being accepted through the regular admission process. I'm still in kind of a funk(partly due to welll.....that time of the month)but I think I'm slowly coming out of it.
I would also like to thank KAC over at A Boston Belle for my first ever award, and I will definitely, on my next post, give out the award to other and post all the really cool questions that come with it. I've never gotten an award and I think its so cool that I'm finally getting into this whole blogging thing and that other people are reading what I'm writing, I love this!
Now, in order to catch everybody up on whats been going on over the past week, heres a short bulleted recap:
- I started and finished the 1999 TV series by Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks, it was absolutely amazing and had the most adorable actors(James Franco!)
- I passed my Adv. Trig class with a 74! and yes, I am excited about that.
- We got a new TV, its huge!
- I did half of my christmas shopping, and now I only have a little left.
- Last night I went to the party in Warner Robins with some of my church friends, its the most fun I've had in months, I really wish I'd gotten to know these people earlier.
- Today I went over to my friend Katys house to visit her after she got her tonsils out. Her, Christine and I just talked and chilled out and had a really good discussion about how much we wish we were all better friends and where we think all the tension last year stemmed from.
- Tonight I went to look at christmas lights with my family, they are crazy.
- I've been in a cuddly mood lately, despite the funk, but lets just say that last night, I got all of my cuddling out, yes, it was fun, but no, it was not really that sketch.
And now, a quick heads up on the week ahead, Grocery shopping and laundry tomorrow plus dinner at my moms best friends house, tuesday I'm babysitting for their adorable kids and I'm having a One Tree Hill marathon with my best friends.
Wednedsday I'm doing my last bits of christmas shopping and of course, Thursday and Friday are filled with christmas festivities!
I promise that I'll get back to posting regulary, but for now I'm just thankful for my readers, however few there are. Thank you so much for reading and I'll make sure to keep commenting. Merry Christmas!

Deferred

I found out on Friday, that I have been deferred from the college I have wanted to go to since I was little. The one whose games I've been going to, and cheering at, and watching from the coach at home. The one my mom went, and the one my dad, and uncle went to. Its the place I knew I wanted to go to, in the town that I knew I wanted to live in. And they didn't want me. I know that its early application, and theres still people who don't want to go there, and that I still have a good chance to get in, but I really wanted this. I wanted to get in and know that its where I would spend the next four years of my life.
All I want to do for the next five days is curl up in a ball, and cry some and then watch movies. But instead, I'm going to write my essays, and do my math work and somhow get a passing grade in my math class.

Cinematic

Is it really possible to have a "deep" conversation on a book that only has 18 sentences? and is it really neccessary to have this same "deep" conversation atleast 2 times a week in the same class? In my opinion, the book is a book, and the movie is a movie, and yes, some good books have shitty movies and some pretty crappy books have amazing movies. But when it comes to a book thats full of pictures, has no plot, and yes, only contains 18 sentences, then no, you cannot have that conversation without pissing people off.
I'm all for a good disscusion on a movie, but seriously, one disscusion is enough. Not 3435035 times a day, do I want to hear someone metion something about "Fight Club", because I assure you, that despite how much I love this movie, I refuse to watch it again, just because the amount of talk about just makes me want to kick someone. So here is my list of things, such as movies, music, books and events that I don't want to hear anything about until I graduate from high school and have moved into my dorm.
- A Clockwork Orange(book or movie)
- Where the Wild things are
- eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
- how much you "think you love Friends."
- Manchester Orchestra
- House
- Fight Club(book or movie)
- a mac.

I think thats it for right now and although the list looks really short, its feel like I've heard about all of these a million times. Sooner or later I will a. either add on to this list. or b. get over it, just because right now, its really annoying but it'll stop, until the next time the conversation has started.

December Goals, only 7 days late

I try to regulary set some goals or benchmarks, or whatever you want to call it, for a certain month. This month, I think one of my goals should be not to procrastinate.

1. Find a normal sleep schedule: I know I'm expecting alot out of myself since I have a big school break coming up in the next few weeks and during these breaks I always get way off. But I'm really going to try to go to bed before midnight, sometimes.
2. Pray regulary for others: I've never really gotten into the habit of praying, or really do any kind bible reading. I should be better, but its sad to say, that its just never been one of my priorities.
3. Don't go down a level. By this I mean, work on my self contraol in difficult situations. I want to be able to stand up for myself without being petty.
4. Pass Adv. Alg and Trig. I need this class to pass, enough said.
5. Finish Sherlock Holmes. I bought it yesterday, and I know its good, but recently its just taken me forever to get into a book.
6. cut back on the caffiene. by the end of the month I would like to only be at about maybe, one thing with caffiene in it a day.
7. Enjoy myself. Do something fun, get certain things off of my mind, get over it, and have awesome One Tree Hill and Lost marathons with my awesome,yet still sometimes confusing, friends.
8. Don't use anger, hitting, or annoying habits to get attention or express myself. Do I really have to explain myself here.

One last thing, being in a relationship on facebook is stupid, and breaking up multiple times a month over facebook is even more stupid. If you're fighting this much to the point where its necessary to change your status and update your profile pic, then maybe you just don't have the "best boyfriend/girlfriend ever". Are people in high school really as stupid as they seem to be? because its looking that way right now.

Finishing up November

This is really about 5 days late, but this is my condensed version of my 2009 goals.

Goals for November:

1. Get back into the groove of reading.
I read maybe 3 books this month, I think they were all Sarah Dese books and they are all books I've read before but I really love all her books so it was fine.

2.Finish my last 2 college apps.
I finished the last 2 and got them both in on time, except that I forgot to get my SAT grades into North Georgia.

3. Keep up with Photography assignments. I've been doing better with photography except for that I haven't been keeping up with writing stuff down but I have started taking photos again with my 35 mm.

4.Write Teen Board story on Lanier-Miller-Central Foundation. I just didn't have the oppurtunity.

5.Ignore yearbook drama.
So as well as ignoring it, I just haven't been talking to the source of the issue at all. Its gotten better plus I'm just better at dealing with it.

6. Visit UGA.

7. Get back into the church and youth group. I've gone the past 2 weeks and I've gotten back into d-group so I think its better.

8. Start swimming again. ugh no.

9. Speak better. I think it probably got worse.

Overall November, was pretty eye opening. I learned alot about who I like to be with and who I don't really get along with anymore. I got some work done and I brought my math grade up to a C. I got back into my group and church and I'm loving it. Despite some personal issues, everything has pretty much been pretty good.

Let me Get back to you

This week has been so busy and I am so glad its over. So this is my week in bullets.
- the play was stressful and the rehearsal were too. I'm glad its over.
- I had alot of fun hanging out with old friends from church after the play.
- I need to stop drinking coffee, I think I'm having heart palpatations.
- a mac book can bring the worst of enemies together for some hillarious pictures.
- I love my leggings.
- I put up really pretty christmas lights, I'm excited.
- I start voice lessons next week, I really want a part in Big River.
- I'm babysitting tomorrow and I babysat tonight.
- I had an hour and a half long phone conversation with my mom tonight.
- I'm pretty much friends with everyone, despite what others think.

I still need to review my November goals and make a few new Demcember ones, I'll get to that tomorrow, right now I just want to sleep for about 12 hours, but not before an episode of Supernatural.

"Not enough hours in the day...."

Right now I have about 2453045 things that I should be doing, but instead what am I doing, you might ask. Well, I'm laying in my bed at 11:40 at night, watching Supernatural and only thinking about the article I need to finish, the math homework I need to make up, the dust I need to wipe off of every surface in my room and the fact that there seriously aren't enough hours in the day. I've heard people say that all my life but up until the last few weeks I hadn't realized how true that statement can be. All I want right now is to just have some time alone and watch TV and forget all the crap I have going on and the people and things I have to deal with, but intstead I have deal with all the crap, all the while doing it to the point where not to seem like a total bitch all the time. I told myself I'd be asleep by 10, now its 11:55.

Too busy

I'm just way too busy for my liking this week. Right now I actually have a ton of stuff that I would love to write and talk about right now but for now, I'm just so tired. Tomorrow I have to go back to school and pay attention in math class and do my homework and work on yearbook and deal with all of these people and these issues that I've just been pushing aside for the past 9 days. I mean all I'm really like to do is sit at home for just one more day and watch my shows on the DVR and sit at home and right my article. But instead tomorrow after I have to go through another painful day of school then I have to go and direct a play full or 10 year olds at my church, sounds fun, right? Aleast tomorrrow I think I'm going to start off my day with a peppermint mocha from Starbucks, they are so good. Then I get to go to school and work on art and photography that I haven't worked on in a week. The worst part now is that I have to look forward to stupid yearbook and all the crap I have to go through in there, atleast I've learned to put up with alot of the stuff that gets thrown at me. Thankfully I had such a good Thanksgiving break to run off of, even if I didn't see anyone from school in it, although thats not really a bad thing.

Christmas List

Last year at this same time, I don't remember getting excited about Christmas and all it brings with it. Like right now, I just can't wait for the next month ahead. The next 3 weekends before Christmas are going to be jam packed for me. I've got parties, babysitting jobs, and tons of ghetto lights to look at with my family. I just can't believe that this time next year, I won't be here with my family the few weeks leading up to Christmas, which are always the best to me. I've really only got about 9 months left at home altogether, and I love being busy but what I love to do the most is just chill out with the family and watch Elf and play games.
With Christmas less than a month away I'm also starting to plan out my christmas list and the more I think about it the more stuff I think about that I want to add to the list. Like a pair of raybans, new jeans, a ton of DVDs and music, a laptop, a camera, and luggage. But maybe the biggest gift of all will be knowing whether or not I've gotten into UGA early admission. Its all I can think about. It would be such a relief to start the new year off knowing whether or not I'll be going to my first choice college. Other than that, the only other thing going on right now its taht I'm still in what can be called my "cuddly mood". Which is the mood I tend to get into whenever I get the itch to maybe be in a relationship, or atleast consider it.

No Sleep, No Dreams

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, was much better than I first expected it to be. I got to spend time with my family and despite all the dysfunctional chaos that always goes on during it, it always ends up being fun. The lunch was good despite the ridiculous cost, my grandmother calling me a cheater and the frigid temperature of the entire room. After lunch we came back to my cousins house and played with the puppy and then Emily and I had to take her grandmother home and we listened to Backstreet Boys. Eventually we started to play this game called Wits and Wagers which we ended up playing for almost 4 hours! It was awesome. and something we all hadn't done in a really long time. Since my family has a tendency to exclude others even when they might not mean to. Now I'm just really excited about Christmas and all the stuff the holiday season will bring, especially an end to my horrid math class. Because right now thats always at the back of my mind, haunting me that until this class is over, I might not be able to graduate from high school. Which is a scary thought.
Now back to the overall title of this post. Last night I had this really weird dream. It involved, well, 2 guys that at one point in time, about 3 years ago, I really liked. Not at the same time, but in the time span of 2-3 years ago. And now fo some strange reason I've been dreaming about them, and not in some weird freaky way but just in a way thats making me think about somethings I haven't thought about in a while and giving me feelings I didn't know I had still had. In the dream, both of them were telling me that they still had feeling for me, but had never told me, but neither of them would just come right out and tell me that they wanted to be with me. Now, because of this dream, its all thats on my mind. Thankfully I don't have school for a few days so hopefully I'll be able to get over it and forget about all of it, seeing that it was actually only an dream.
I think I'm going to try and go shopping now, but maybe not shopping but more of looking around for a few TV/movie/music deals and watching the ridiculous crowds of people while at the same time watching my mother cringe! She hates both crowds and shopping. Now if only I could get that dream out of my mind, then everything else would be just fine. I really want to decorate the tree as well, or get a tree first, oh wait I forgot that we have a horrible fake tree.

Giving Thanks

I can't believe its already Thanksgiving Day. Right now I'm sitting in bed, watching the first season of Supernatural and listening to Adams Sanders, "Thanksgiving Song". I really do like Thanksgiving alot, even though this year is going to be really different because we aren't doing it at home like we usually do. Because everyone in my family has been sick over the last couple of weeks my grandmother didn't want to come into the house so instead this year we're going to Henderson Village down near Perry. I'm not sure what exactly it is but I just know its pretty fancy and it just doesn't really feel like Thanksgiving because no one is cooking and no one is going to sit in the din and fall asleep while watching Elf. I love Elf. So now for that ever-present "What I'm Thankful for list":
-my family
-the oppurtunity I have to have freedom.
-my friends, from both school and church.
-Jared Padalecki(I've started watching Supernatural)
-really hot guys in general.
-music, all kinds of it, even if I don't neccesarily like it.
-my health and my families.
-Christ.
-my ability to change my mind.
-the ability to love.

So this is my list of what I'm thankful for, of course I'm thankful for more, but right now this is just whats been on my mind. Now, I'm going to wish all of you, or the 3, maybe 4 people who read this, a happy Thanksgiving and time spent with family and good food.

Living Life

I really need to start being healthier. Its always been on my mind, but over the last few months I've noticed some changes that I'm not happy with at all and I really want to change that. Unforetunatly though, it hits me right at the peak of holiday time. I mean, seriously, Thanksgiving is TOMORROW! Last year after new years I was sooo good. I went to the gym everyday, I had this perfect routine and I started to feel it kicking in. But then Sound of Music started and I was just so tired all the time. I knew I needed to go back but I just couldn't bring myself to go back there after I'd dissapointed myself time and time again. I guess what I'm saying is that I really want to be able to go back to the gym and feel better about myself, but right now i have no motivation and I really need some right now. I know that I have time but I also know that after school I'm so tired after school and that I babysit and I have work. But I know I need this now and before I go to college. Because if I don't do it now, I never will.

Beach trip

I am currently at the beach at Fripp Island with a group of girls from church. We're just riding bikes, watching chick flicks, making cupcakes and booty dancing. Its quite fun. I definitely needed a weekend like this, with girl talk and and no drama and just a place when I can pretty much say anything and no one looks at me like I'm crazy or I'm a total bitch.
So yes, I did go see New Moon at midnight on Friday. It was made so much better then the one before. I don't know if I'm going to be able to see Eclipse though, just because I love Taylor Lautner and his character so much. I don't just love him because he has the perfect male form but because his character is just so....sweet and warm. I love that so much. You know, the guy who will be there for you in cold weather, or a family problem or the one you can just go up to and hug yet you don't have to say anything because he doesn't ask questions. Thats what I want. I want that kind of guy who will be there for me all the time but will still give me my space and won't be moody or emotional and still likes to have fun and be spontaneous. I really don't think I'm going to be able to see Eclipse. I could barely take the Jacob diss at the end of New Moon. I admit I was so in love with Taylors very fine abs. yuuuuuummmmm!
I kind of gave up on the blogging everday thing. I was just having a few kind of busy days where I just had about 23948205 things going on so that writing just kind of came last on my list. I was very dissapointed in myself but I've let it go and now I'm just going to try and write whenever I feel the need to share.

Love and Lost

"There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it"

- George Bernard Shaw

Apathetic

Recently, I've just been feeling so blah. Like nothing really bothers me at the moment. I just don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. Well I care about Gossip Girl and my math grade but other than that I still feel just weird.... I have a feeling that its because of the upcoming Thanksgiving break, that includes a group trip to the beach, dermatoligists appointment(seems boring, but I'm actually really excited, Clear skin!), a babysitting trip to the ice skating rink and family Turkey time with the puppy. Heck yes!

But anyways, back to the apathy. Today at lunch someone was acting ridiculous and over dramatic, and usually that bothers me, but today I just ignored it, and it felt really good. Maybe its not apathy, maybe its maturity. I'm hoping for the latter. I just finished a nonfat peppermint mocha from Starbucks and now I'm off to finish Gossip Girl!

Rampage

I have anger issues. I always have and I've always had trouble dealing with them. Alot of times I play them off as a tough exterior, but its not, its anger. Because actually I'm a pretty sensitive person, I hate to admit that. Tonight I got into an argument with my parents and brother. I yelled uneccesary things out of anger. Which is what I tend to do. My mom later asks me why. We go through all the things you'd think of. God. Insecurity. Depression. And alot of it was true. I deal with things through anger alot of times. and when I get angry like that I tend to shove it down and hold it in until the times like tonight when it just explodes and I go on a hedious rampage where I just yell and cry and say anything till I can't breathe anymore. I don't want to be a helpless person, but right now thats what I feel like. Which makes me even angrier. I hate feeling like this. But I think hopefully I'll be getting help soon. No, I'm not crazy or emotionally disturbed or anything like that. I just have no other way to let go of things and get things out. Which I feel is why I started this. Maybe by writing what I feel I can get it out there and people can even help me with some of it.

Thank you for reading....

Great Cause

Today I walked 12 miles in order to represent a great cause. The Fuller Center for Housing. The founders are Millard and Linda Fuller, who are also the founders of Habitat for Humanity. I worked for Habitat for 2 years now, but hearing and reading about the Fuller Center brought tears to my eyes. Our group is based in El Salvador where they are building houses for underpriviledged familes. So for todays post, just please go look at the website, find out about it, get involved or donate.

November already?

I can't believe that there are less than 2 months left in 2009! I'm already starting to develope my christmas list and it isn't even thanksgiving yet. This lost will probably be pretty long seeing as I'll be going to college soon after. I know for a fact that I'll probably want a laptop, a few new TV shows, a lot of clothes, some of my moms rings fitted for my fingers, and definitely some itunes! Plus I think my mom is getting a new phone with verizon and I'll possibly be giving her mine and I'll be getting a brand new phone! I know this list sounds a little ridiculous, but compared to last christmas, nothing can be bettter. oh and a straightner. Plus I think I also want some scrapbooking stuff. I mean I know facebook will always be there for looking back at pictures, but I think a scrapbook would be so good for taking to college and like showing off to friends. Plus I think this year I want to buy some small gifts for my friends. I've never done that before but its my last year at home and I think maybe a cute scarf or something like that would just be cute. Back to the scrapbook. My mom is a real big scrapbooker and she has multiple books since I was born and they are always such a joy to look through and to show to other people.

Man, Ryan Reynolds is soooo hot. I'm watching The Proposal right. I want me a Ryan Reynolds! He is absolutely gorgeous and I'm pretty sure that him and Scarlett Johanson are the most attractive couple ever! I just thought I'd add that. Pizza and Ryan Reynolds...the perfect combination!

Silence

"Silence is an acquired taste. The more complicated life becomes, the better it is to learn to say nothing."

- Dawson Creek, referencing Harold Pinter

Unforetunatly I'm really too tired/lazy to really post anything tonight, I hope this amazing quote suffices. In a time when I find that I have too much I find that silence is perfect.

Not good

This week has been such a whirlwind of stuff. Nothing monumental to anyone but myself. Anyone but me, the person with the ADD emotions and the inability to show emotion to other, except through writing of course.

"I just don't think I'll ever get over you...." these are lyrics from a song in Garden State, which I'm currently watching. These lyrics for some reason define how I'm feeling tonight. I seem to have the inability as well to get over things. Maybe its because of my lack of emotion or something along those lines. I've just never been able to talk about things with other people, even my best friends. and because of this I really don't talk to people about stuff very much at all, I never share my feelings, or cry in front of others, or let on just how I feel about something. Except for if I'm mad, even sometimes I can't do that.

I am so tired, and overall, I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Plus, I'm in a super cuddly mood right now, wish doesn't help, since most of the time I don't enjoy being touched.

Seperate Corners

Have you ever felt the need to seperate the people in your life into different "sections"? Like with me it tends to be early childhood and church friends, middle school, and now my high school friends and I've just never felt the need to combine all of those different "groups". And its always bugged me when those lines blurred and people crossed over. I don't know if its just me being kind of OCD, or if I'm being selfish or immature but it just almosts makes me want to cry. Is that wrong?

I just have so much history with so many different people, with some of those people its spans 15 years. I feel like as soon as they blur the lines with someone I have a short history with then they'll erase all the history I have with them and I'll forever be replaced by the better, newer one. Maybe its just my insecurities.

I know I've never been in love, but I have loved some friends deeply and I just feel as if the dear and cherishable memory I once had with this person will be forgotten. and yes, I'm actually crying right now, stupid right? I feel like such a selfish baby, but I just can't help. I hate that such close relationships I've had have been lost and replaced forever.

I'm watching Say Anything right now as I go to bed, maybe that will make me feel better. I just can't stop thinking about all this stuff all the time! brain overload.....

What a great idea

All day I've been planning this awesome post that would just be so new and creative and kind of fun and reminiscent for me. But tonight as I lay in my nice warm bed in my comfortably cool room I realize just how freaking tired I actually am. I'm exhausted. and tomorrow I have such a busy day! So for tonight I'll just do a quick bullet through on important notes and one of my favorite Sex and the City quotes.

• OM3, or the Gossip Girl threesome was absolutely ridiculous tonight. I was actually embarassed for a. Hillary Duff. and b. my once love for the character Dan Humphrey.



• Hurricane Ida is supposed to be coming in anytime now. oh rain....



• I get to see L in one of her plays tomorrow.



• I'm not sure how I'm feeling about somethings that are going on with one of my oldest friends.



• I feel like I need to talk to K about whats been going on and confront her about all thats happened in the past two weeks.



• I'm loving my column that I wrote. Its just so....me.



• New York has been on my mind pretty much all the time recently. You know how theres the saying that guys think about sex like 13 times a minute or whatever number it was. Well thats the way I am about New York right now. But of course, Jay-Z, Breakfast at Tiffanys and Sex and the City don't make it much better.

"You musn't give you're heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree. And then to a higher tree, and then to the sky." - Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffanys

I am...

saw this game on Lisas blog. Its just this cute little thing that seemed so cute.

Reading.... nothing right now. But I was re-reading the Love Bukowski series, which I love alot.

Keeping.... my RHCP and Jack's Mannequin albums on repeat.

Baking.... nothing right now unforetunately. Although microwave brownies are super good.

Watching.... Sex and the City the 4th season. I think it might be my favorite because it has Aiden in it and I love that man so much!

Trying.... to sort out different kinds of emotions and feelings towards different people.

Making..... smart decisions when it comes to who I spend my time with.

Congratulating.... Dashboard Confessional on their new album that comes out on Tuesday!

Now I really need to get back to my:
- art project- actually 3. My charcoal and clipping on cardboard tree, my portrait in gouache, and
my real life in pastel.
- my Trig homework
-my column
-my story

I'm about to finish off the 4th season of Sex and the City, and then the 3rd season of 24 and then I don't really know what I'll move onto next. I kind of stopped watching Angel because it got sort of boring. And I really want to watch the 3rd season of Friday Night Lights with the most beautiful man in the world!

And now that I'm at this new spot I can't decide what to do with my old site on Wordpress. Any suggestions?

Not Happy with it

So for the past for months I've been blogging over at wordpress, but I just haven't been happy with it. The features to me are quite confusing and I just feel more comfortable and more familar with what I'm doing here. I haven't figured out how to transfer over all my other blog posts. I'd like to though. For now I'll be blogging over here and I'll just keep my other blog open in order for access to my past posts to be available.

WP blog

This is where I've been posting for the last few months but I'm getting kind of sick of it.
http://thetimesoftarver.wordpress.com/


Thank You! Tarver

If I were a Carpenter

Is most likely my favorite song ever! Its just so pure and to the point. Its how I wish I felt about someone, someone about me. I love June Cash's voice as well.

"Save your love through loneliness,
Save your love for sorrow,
I gave you my onliness
Give me your tomorrow."

Its just so...perfect. I love their story, I mean I know it wasn't perfect, but it was their own, and they went through a lot of stuff before the two finally came together as one.

So tonight I watched the Jane Austen Book Club, and it was amazing! It made me want to read all of the books! But it also made me want a love like all the people in the movie eventually came to find.

Sweetest Girl..

I love driving in my car, really fast, and listening to the Sweetest Girl, by Wyclef. Although its a completely inappropriate song, it just makes me happy.

So last night was Lanes going away party! I can't believe that in like 2 weeks she'll be leaving for Dubai! DUBAI! its just crazy! I'm just glad she's getting a facebook! Whats even weirder, is that at like the exact same time, Kristi is coming back! I have missed her alot, I mean who else am I supposed to tell everything about to, and its just not the same sending a facebook message.

Virtual Insanity

I hate rain, I didn't used to, but I do now! Its has been raining nonstop for like a whole week. I think I'm just getting restless because its summer, and I don't really have anything to do, and I don't really like driving in the rain, so I'm just stuck inside.

I am officially a senior in high school! How crazy is that? It felt like just yesterday I was sitting in Sunday school 2nd grade trying to sit next to the boys because the girls annoyed me, or when my elementary school best friend moved away, or even all of the 2 years I was stuck in the hell hole that is middle school.

I look back and I think, I really am lucky. I have found some of the best friends I could ask for. Unforetunatly I've lost a few along the way, some that will stay with me forever and some that won't. But high school has been really good to me. I mean I've purposely avoided being in relationships, and have avoided doing anything like drinking or partying, and some may look at me like I'm crazy and that I'm missing stuff in high school, but I've loved it. I really am just so glad that I chose to go to Central. I can't even believe that the summer after 8th grade I was crying and asking my family if I could go to FPD because I didn't know anyone, and now I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

So today I was at the dentist office with my brother, and there was this woman sitting next to me and these two adorable mixed kids sitting on the floor reading, so the woman leans over and is like "so are you out of school" and they respond "yes" so she goes "where do you go?" the boy replies "Mckibben lane" and the girl goes "well I just finished at miller, but I'm going to Central next year" and the woman responds " oh, well, I 'm sorry!" Isnt that the worst thing ever! I think I'm going to go organize my itunes!

"Hey, give me space so I can breathe
Give me space so I can sleep
Give me space so you can drown in this with me"