I don't think you realize the influence you've had on me, on my life.

If you did, things wouldn't be like this. Or I would hope they wouldn't.


I'm too selfish. I know I am.

"And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top and I think to myself that I do this a lot."

   Have you ever had that one band, that band, that song, that album that you constantly have on repeat? You sing all the words, you constantly have the tunes in your head, and all you want to do is tell other people about them so that they'll love them too?

   As of recent, that has been the Avett Brothers for me. I know that they're not exactly a new band, but I've just fallen completely in love with them, and I feel its fitting for the place that I'm at right now, the point of view I have on my life and the way certain lyrics and songs relate so accurately to the way I'm feeling. Lyrics and verse and words that fit so perfectly in the way I'm feeling that no other explanation is necessary other than to sing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down, ray-bans on and experiencing these freeing moments from a hectic life. 


   A life, that is no where near bad, but just has overwhelming tendencies. A life that has habits of ups and downs, goods and bads, times that feel as if they're never going to look up and all you want to do is crawl into the bed, or drive really fast, or simply cuddle up to the person next to you and be perfectly still, allowing yourself to be in that moment, and in that moment alone. Because once things around you begin to move again, the 4 exams, 3 papers, 5 projects, sick grandparents, grieving parents and just the presence of friends and loved ones is a burden. But not a burden in the usual sense. Its a comforting burden, a burden that makes you aware of all the blessings in your life. All the opportunities you've been afforded, the privileges you've been granted and the people God has blessed you with. 

'Up with caffeine and down with a shot

constantly worried about what I got. 

Distracting my work but I can't make a stop 

and my confidence on and my confidence off. 

And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top 

and I think to myself that I do this a lot." 

- The Avett Brothers, "Talk on Indolence" 

   My life right now seems to be completely defined by this song, but it also proves to me that despite all the ups and downs, God has never given me something I can't handle. He will never give me something that he knows won't bring me closer to him.

I can't believe I still have followers

   College has gotten the best of me, and I've been up to my eyeballs in school work, best friends, boyfriend, and anything else you could possibly imagine over the last couple of months. Its been great though, it really has. 

My roomamate, Lindsay and me. She's great. She's a fabulous writer who 

seriously knows how to make everyone laugh.

 Whitney. She's the littlest person I know and I love her to death. She's crude and little and gets away with most things. She has her own language that we're slowly getting used to.

Lindsey! I love this girl, she's sweet, funny and super charismatic when she wants to be. She's also given me the nickname, MamaBear. (Whitney's a weirdo in this picture)

   I've managed to find the best friends I could possibly imagine, and out of a pure miracle, I'm living with them, and will be next year and hopefully more than that. I love them so much, seriously. Yes, we can all drive each other crazy sometimes, but I've never had a friendship like this. One where I tell them everything, and we just do the weirdest shit we can possibly think of together because we know none of us will judge the others. I've seen way more and heard way more about all of their business than I could ever want to, but I don't mind because I love them, and I'm just so thankful for them. 


  School is great. I love it, I'm so glad I ended up where I did. I couldn't have asked for a better college experience, seriously. I'm in love with it. 


  Boyfriend. He's great, really. We've friends for a while. It somehow developed into more, don't ask me how, it just happened. It still confused me, but I'm okay with that. I can't wait to see where this relationship goes. 


I just wanted to update a little bit, partly because I kind of just remembered about this and partly because I missed everyone on here and I feel horrible for losing touch with so many great people out here in the blogland that I adore so much. 


I know I don't update this as much as I'd like to, but I tumble now, its addicting as so easy. Please follow me if you'd like. 


http://tarvistalkshere.tumblr.com/


Lastly, I need to read this everyday. Every single day.

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

- Gilmore Girls

recent thought

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ"- Philippians 3:8

Now the amazing Switchfoot song/lyric:

"Everything I have I count as loss

Everything I have is stripped away

before I started building I counted up these costs

theres nothing left for you to take away" - Hello Hurricane

This is unconditional love...

He is quite possibly the sweetest, most dear thing to my heart.

he's a sweet snuggler, who can't fall asleep unless he's pressed against your side playing with your hair. He's crazy and wacky and has such a great personality. 

You'd never know that he was 8 and couldn't talk or communicate by just looking at him, because he's just so darn cute. 

So for now, I'll just love on him and fall asleep babysitting this sweet, sweet, sweet boy of mine. 

I'm back, I'm back...for now.

This week has been amazing, I can't even describe it, even tonight, after someone really offended me and hurt me I was still able to have a good night and I love that.

I aced a Psych test and wrote a great paper, hung out with my friends and discovered that people really do care about me more than I thought they did. 

I'll admit it, tonight I got dressed and went out fully expecting to drink some good drink, get drunk and just "have fun", but as I got to the party something inside of me shifted, that desire went away and I just felt disconnected from the whole situation. I quickly left and walked back to my dorm just as the party was busted. I ended up sitting on the floor in the hall for 2 hours. It was great.

I'm not saying I'll never drink ever again or go to another party, I'm just saying that I'm feeling something different, I'm not sure what it is. But it's not bad.

 I'm also finding that I focus less on myself in recent days and more on building lasting relationships with people I really care about and putting myself out there with no reservations. 

If its meant to be, if its not I'm good. I'm slowly seeing that God has a plan for me and I know that he has put certain people in my life for a reason and I'm so excited to see where he's taking me.

Of course I'm still going to keep wondering when that right guy will walk into my life, or if he's already there, but for now a certain peace has hit me and I no longer feel the need to focus only on that one desire. 

and tomorrow/today I get to go home. and see my turtle and my cat and eat thai food. If only there wasn't this achey feeling in my heart, but its slowly fading...

Longing to be recklessly pursued

but knowing it will be at the right time, when its in Gods hands and in his plan. Its just the waiting thats killer...

"The vision of someone walking across a room and asking me to dance plays over and over in my mind; out of the whole room, I was chosen. I’ll be honest, I’m fifteen… I have crushes… but more than whimsical feelings and fickle emotion, I really do want to be fought for. I long to be recklessly pursued. I’m looking for true love, something honest and untainted, with no hidden agenda but that it wants to chase after me. I love Psalm 45: “Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your homeland far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty.” That’s it! That’s what every chick flick revolves around, that’s what every romance novel is written about, those are the exact words that made me want to be a princess when I was younger. The sad reality is, though, that women often aren’t validated and reassured that they’re worth that kind of affection. It scars us in the deepest places and causes us to cover our mouths when we smile and hide who we truly are. But, that’s what I love about Jesus—he’s a husband to the widow, the freer of a captive heart." - Bethany Dillon