Seriously, for the last maybe, 48 hours, I've had so much stuff running back and forth through my head. Stuff about college, guys, childhood friendships, wanting a movie watching partner(boyfriend), friends, family, past friendships, my inability to let things go, wanting the perfect wardrobe and the perfect body, and the perfect voice and the tip top amount of organization that I've always wanted. Of course, all of these things are issues that I've thought about in the past and some of them are even things that I worry and think about on a daily basis. But its pretty unusual for me to have all of this stuff bouncing around inside my head all the time. Last night and tonight, as you can see, since its 2:30 in the morning, that I haven't been able to think, just because I have so many things that are bothering me. I just wish I knew how to sort them out, but instead I eat, and I watch Dark Angel and I organize my jewelry(all of these tend to help take my mind off of other things).
I guess what I'm trying to get to in this post, is that I wish I knew how to overcome these things, how to face my worries and the issues and the people who I've kind of put to the side, thinking that one day the issue will fade into the backdrop and I'll never have to think about it again, because it might have made me cry at one point, or its someone that I've cared so much for in the past that thinking about someone else caring for them makes me kind of sick. I hate that I feel this way, but its just something that comes naturally I guess and I can't seem to get over it. I mean I can still get emotional sometimes about things that might have happened in 2nd grade, like my best friend moving away. I don't know why, but it just happens. and I tend to soothe the pain with food, or tv shows because its the only thing I know how to do. I feel like I'm talking in circles here and that no matter how much I write about it or how much I think about it or for that matter, try not to think about, I just get more and more dissapointed and I draw more and more into myself, wishing that I had someone else to talk to about this, but knowing that will never be possible because I've just put up so many walls around myself and I feel like no ones cares enough about me to even attempt to try and talk through to me or come over the walls I've put around myself and my personal and emotional self.
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Oh, sweetie. I still struggle with feeling this way and I'm almost 34!
ReplyDeleteI can tell you this - people do care about you and love you enough to be there for you. You just can't see them for the walls you've so carefully constructed. Speaking from experience, the most difficult thing to do is tear those walls down and let those people in. But trust me, it's worth it.
These things won't pass away, or if they do, new things will come and take their place. But the one thing we can do is fix our eyes on Jesus, on our Rescuer, on the One who will gladly bear those burdens for us. I love how the Message puts Matthew 11:29-30 (take my yoke upon you...): Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Oh, hon, I can relate to so much of that. I just have to say that Andrea couldn't be more spot-on. I knew there was a reason I loved that lady ;)
ReplyDeleteIt's the funny thing about walls...they seem so necessary as a survival mechanism, but then when you truly want to LIVE they get in the way. It's not an overnight thing, to brick by brick tear them down, but I can attest to the fact that it is incredibly worthwhile.